(If you don't know Erma, moms and wives will get her humor best. Tho some of her stuff can be appreciated by men, she wrote of her life and experiences as a wife and mother. She has several books, guested on many day-time shows, did short articles for newspapers and magazines. What I have here really doesn't represent her that well. These are short exerpts from several stories and such. Her best work was in the form of short stories, which, as it turns out, are longer than they seem when you're actually copying them out. Best leave that to her books and just copy these paragraphs and one liners for my pitimous little blog.
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Women are giving birth much later in life nowadays. A 54 yr old woman in Great Britain was artificially inseminated and gave birth to twins. This trend can't go much further. Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put down a baby and not remember where she left it.
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Are people really smarter than animals? Which is worse, the opossum who produces up to 50 babies yet has only 13 teats, or the human female who gives birth to 3 offspring and has only 2 windows in the back seat of her car?
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Could human nutritionalists be on the wrong track?
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There is no species on the face of the earth that prides itself more on its ability to get around than men. Yet most of them are lost their entire lifetimes. They just won't admit it.
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At my age, patience is not a virtue - it's a luxury.
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(This one isn't a joke, but is a tale that was part of one of her stories. I thought it was terribly cute, tho I have no idea if she tells it as a fact or something she heard, or made up.)
In 1939, a Coast Guard vessel was cruising the Canadian Arctic when the men spotted a polar bear on an ice floe. What a novelty for the seamen, who threw it salami, peanut butter, and chocolate bars. Then they ran out of food. The bear had not run out of appetite, so he proceeded to board the vessel. The men were terrified so they opened the fire hoses on him. The polar bear loved it and raised his paws in the air to get the water under his armpits. Eventually, he was forced to return to his ice pad. (Note to anyone who thinks polar bears are cute and fuzzy - they're also gigantic and fierce. Not exactly the type of animal you want as a pet, or even wanna get anywhere close to.)
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There are certain things a woman cannot do with dirty hair. She cannot give birth, be married, drop off a child in public, stay at the scene of an accident, or answer the phone with her husband's old girlfriend on the other end of the line. One of the first appointments a new widow makes is with her hairdresser. (Back in the days when women went at least once a week to have hair styled and set, like a helmet, and spent the next week wrapped in scarves and such to prevent messing it up. I dunno how they slept.) She may look like roadkill at the funeral, but every hair is in place and sprayed to stay there until the end of the century.
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