QUIRKY KIDS' RULES THAT WORK

#1 YOU CANNOT BE IN THE ROOM WITH ME WHEN I'M WORKING UNLESS YOU WORK TOO.

GOAL: Get your child to help or stop bugging you while you do chores.

Whether you mind housework or not, it does not help when kids, oblivious to the fact that your arms are full of their dirty underwear, are asking you to help them find their missing doll or shoe, or to do a puzzle with them. I tried to explain to my brood that if they helped me, fold laundry for example, we could do something together sooner. But they knew I'd be available anyway if I finished the clothes by myself, so my argument wasn't compelling. Then one day, as my oldest sat and watched me work, asking me favors and waiting for me to be done, I came up with a rule that takes into account 2 important facts about kids: 1) they actually want to be with you as much as possible {til their bodies reach a certain level of hormones, anyhow, and even then they want to be with you more than they will ever admit; they ALWAYS will need you} , and 2) {and this is expecially true the younger the child is,} you cannot force them to help you in any way that's truly helpful. I played one fact against the other and told her that she did not have to help me, but she couldn't just sit and watch. She had to go elsewhere if she wasn't working too. Given a choice between being with me and folding laundry or not being with me at all, she chose option #1. {But even #2, on the rare occasion, or with the rare child, who opts for it will get them out from underfoot til you're finished and MAY, in some situations, actually help a little bit - winner either way, though the first is clearly best and easiest.}

WHY IT WORKS: I didn't care which she chose. And it was HER choice, so the rule gave her control even as it took it away.

#2 I DON'T WORK PAST 8 pm (or 9, or whenver bedtime is at your house).

GOAL: Regular bedtimes and time off for you.

You just can't announce a rule to your kids and husband that says, "Bedtime has to go really smoothly so I can get a break at the end of the day." It will not happen. But if you flip the problem and make a rule about YOU instead of telling everyone what THEY have to do, it all falls neatly (usually, mostly) into place. When this occurred to me, my oldest was 6 and my youngest almost 2. I announced to them that the U.S. Department of Labor had just created a new rule and I was no longer permitted to do any kind of mom jobs past 8 pm. I would gladly read books, play games, listen to stories of everyone's day, give baths - the whole mother package - BEFORE 8 o'clock. Then, I HELD FIRM. I acted as if it were out of my hands. Sort of like Cinderella and midnight. Suddenly my 6 year old (and my husband) developed a new consciousness of time. My daughter actually rushed to get ready for bed so that wer could have lots of books and time together before I was "off". My husband, realizing that if things dragged past 8 he'd have to face putting both kids to bed himself, became more helpful. {A bit of thought along this line with the husband could lead you to think of certain "wifely" jobs you're not willing to do after a certain time, for even more help getting the kids settled. Use your imagination to think of other ways this can make your life easier in your own situation.} My oldest is 11 now, and my hours have been extended, but the idea that I'm not endlessly available has been preserved and integrated into our family routine. (And once the kids are old enough for later bedtimes, getting them ready for bed and settled in is not the chore it is when younger - they can do more and more for themselves - but at the same time, certain other things need more attention as they grow - sewing patches on scout uniforms, helping with homework you can barely do yourself, etc.}

WHY IT WORKS: You're not telling anyone what to do. The rule is for YOU, so you have only yourself to blame if it is not enforced. {Moms re busy and need every break we can legitimately get, and choosing your battles is probably THE most important rule when it comes to this. Assert your authority, sure. But avoid having to when you can. You also don't want your child to feel completely helpless, as if they have no choices in their own lives, and you want them to learn how to make wise choices, to live with their choices, and so on. Don't feel you're avoiding anything. You will, every day, get plenty of chances for battle.}

#3 YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON'T THROW A FIT.

GOAL: No more haggling over which pretzel has more salt or who gets their milk in the prized red cup and who gets the cursed green cup, or hich cast member of Blues Clues adorns whose paper plate.

My friend Janice, director of our town's preschool, told us about this terrific rule, now repeated by everyone I know on playgrounds and at home. Not only does it have a happy rhythm that makes it fun to say, but it does good ole "life's not fair" one better by spelling out both the essential truth of life's arbitrary inequities and the only acceptable response to the world's unfairness: You don't throw a fit. When I first heard this I was skeptical. It seemed too simple. But to m y utter wurprise it not only did the trick, but kids seemed to RALLY ROUND IT, almost with RELIEF! They must have seen that if it applied to them today it might apply to someone else tomorrow - then, the next time they get the red cup, nobody fusses and tries to take it from them. For this, perhaps, they can let the red cup go to little sis today.

Why it works: Its irrefutable - it almost has the ring of runic or prehistoric truth about it - and instead of focusing on an abstract notion like "fairness", it speaks directly to the situation at hand.

#4 TAKE THAT SHOW ON THE ROAD

GOAL: Peace and quiet.

So is it just me or does someone saying "one-strawberry, two-strawberry, three-strawberry" over and over again in a squeaky voice make you want to smash some strawberries into a pulpy mess? I want my kids to be gleefully noisy when they need and want to be. But I don't feel its necessary that I be their audience/victim past a few minutes or so, or that I should have to talk (shout?) over their, um, clamor when I'm on the phone. So once I have shown them attention adequate to their display, I tell them that they're free to sing, chant, or caterwaul to their heart's content, just NOT HERE. Same goes for whining, tantrums, and generic pouting. For the irrational and long-winded whining jags sometimes used by her 4 year old son, my friend has turned this rule into a pithy declaration : "I'm ready to listen when you're ready to talk". She then leaves the room.

Why it works: It gives children a choice rather than a prohibition, and does so without rejecting them.

#5 WE DON'T ARGUE ABOUT MONEY

Goal: To short-circuit begging and pleading for stuff.

This rule must be enforced consistently to work, but the basic deal is that you can tell your child yes or no on any requested purchase - and they of course are allowed to ask to begin with - but you do not discuss it. Ever, and not at all.

{ prsonally think its a good idea to give them some sort of explanation with the "no" in the first place, as I think it is good for a child to help develop reasoning ability, and understanding of real life. Even if too young to completely understand what you say, as simply as you can put it, they grow up with the knowledge and without actually knowing where they got it exactly, once it is told/explained a few times throughout their lives. Now by "a few times" I mean on different instances - and not just for money, but always giving them reasons for things, or most of the time. Also they eventually- and sooner than they would if you didn't explain- learn that you are not just trying to be mean, not punishing them, etc, but that you do have good reasons for everything you do. But, give that explanation once with each event/answer "no".}

If your childprotests, simply repeat, calmly, like a mantra, that you won't argue about money. Children cannot understand nor be reasonable about finances, bills, etc. Don't explain, just enforce {or, if you're like me, give the reason for your "no" with your "no", and that is all. Now, I don't mean to give them a long explanation about dad missing work lately due to his flu and his paycheck being short plus there was the extra expense ofbuyinganewrefrigerator andsoyoujustcannotafforditthisweek... I mean something like "this costs too much to buy for no special occasion but perhaps for your birthday," or "we can't afford it right now" or "this thing is not worth its price" or "if I buy this for you I'll have to buy your sisters something too, to be fair and that would cost too much" or WHATEVER you think is closest to their understanding, and that is the end. Whether they think its a good reason, they won't, but will learn it does no good to argue. And I see this as giving them a reason; you do not owe them an explanation or excuse - there is a difference. There is a purpose in giving them a reason.}

The key to success is that you have the courage of your convictions, and do not argue. Thus the calm repetition. It cuts both ways, though : When your kids want to spend their "own" money, point out potential mistakes and give advise on the purchase if you'd like, but at the end of the day, don't overrule them unless its a matter of health or safety {or of breaking other rules, such as being too young for certain things, or DVDs CDs or games with mature themes, etc.}. After all, you don't argue about money. No exceptions, either way. They may make some bad choices, but they will learn. And, you will enjoy shopping together a lot more.

Why it works: It shifts the focus from the whined-for treat to financial policy. You're almost changing the topic on them, no longer debating why they should or shouldn't have gum or some plastic plaything and, instead, invoking a reasonable-sounding family value. {I dunno about that. I think it works because they eventually learn you won't change your mind, and if you don't argue and only repeat the same thing over and over, there's nowhere else to go but for moving on. I also think it'll take a while to begin working, and that there will be some slip ups.)}

{The point is to always stick to what you say to them, money or not. If you ever argue with them about ANYTHING, you will have to argue with them about EVERYTHING. If they grow up knowing you will not argue, they won't try to - not usually. There WILL be times that they will try. They are kids, and kids will do this sometimes, they just do. Little things seem like huge issues, they cannot deal with negative emotions, including disappointment, the way adults can because their brains are not physically capable of it yet, etc etc etc. Kids will be kids. And parents must be consistent ALL THE TIME, not only with money, or bedtime, but all the time. And never ever ever make a threat you do not intend to keep. Don't say it unless you mean it.}

{ CONSISTENCY,THE REAL KEY THAT FITS EVERY PROBLEM, BIG AND SMALL, WITH EVERY CHILD, OF EVERY AGE, IN EVERY SITUATION, NO MATTER HOW MANY GOOD MAGAZINE ARTICLES OR BOOKS YOU READ.}

#6 I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU WHEN YOU SPEAK LIKE THAT.

GOAL: stop whining, screaming, and general rudeness.

This one requires almost religious consistency of application to work. {All rules do, even for adults.} But basically you just proclaim incomprehension when your child orders (rather than asks) you to do or give anything, whines, or otherwise speaks to you in a way you don't like. Whispering this helps; it takes the whole thing down a notch or two on the carrying-on scale. (And, they have to quieten down to hear YOU.) This is a DE-escalating tool, so calmly repeat the rule a few times and don't get lured into raising your voice. A child who is whining or being rude is clearly seeking attention (not always, maybe usually, but not always, and you know this for a fact when you find them doing so alone) and drama, so use this as a way to provide neither.

Why it works: It empowers your child by suggesting he has something valuable to say (IF he says it nicely) and allows you to completely invalidate (ie ignore) the rude presentation.

{I'd like to emphasize a point I touched on earlier. Kids will be kids no matter how perfect a parent you are, no matter what great pointers you read. That is the way they are built. The frontal section of the brain that controls impulses - the part that grabs sudden ideas you have and says, "Hey, wait, maybe that's not a good idea" is not fully developed until you are 25 years old. That's right, TWENTY-FIVE. So there are a lot of parents out there who don't fully have this ability yet, wondering why their toddlers and pre-schoolers can't control themselves better. That's why. So don't feel bad, and it will help you to remember this when your child is having a bad day. Matter of fact, reading up on the actual physical abilities of the brain at certain ages and such will help as much as reading articles like this will. Understanding is always a good thing, and understanding why your child has temper tantrums and begs for toys no matter what you do sometimes, that will help you and your child.}